A friendship I value a hell of a lot

Today I received a package in the post! It was from a friend that lives far far away. She told me to expect something but I forgot about it, so when I saw it at my desk when I came home from school, I was pleasantly surprised ^__^

Kekeke, thank you mammy! 

My ‘mum’ really inspires me. She’s been through one hell of a lot of things in her life yet she’s still as strong as ever, even though she’d probably disagree. I really love her - we met online about 3 years ago, and we’ve still yet to meet in person (despite that she lived half an hour away from me before she moved away), and it amazes me how she values our friendship so much. I feel like I haven’t done anything to deserve this loyalty from her, but I really do sincerely thank her for everything. Sometimes I think she’s a better ‘mum’ than my real mum, my biological mother has no idea about the things that goes through my mind. 

The way you care for me is so heartwarming, mammy! Although I’m still unsure about my decisions after reading your letter, haha. But I really do thank you for taking the time and effort in helping me out. It really makes me feel touched when friends like you who don’t need to ask me about my life, you are willing to do the research yourself and act upon it even though it wasn’t compulsory. Ahhh, I just love you a lot, okay?! 

Once again, thank you for everything. 

driving with dad is the most stressful thing ever jfc

don’t want to go to this stupid abdominal ultrasound scan

what if they actually find something scary

the nurse said if everything is fine then i wouldn’t need to go back after the blood test

but now they are calling me in for a scan so obviously something is wrong

fffffffffff this is not the right time to handle this

fgs

i got a carrr

hehehehehehehehhhehehehehe

not allowed to drive it until after exams though

because dad thinks i’ll get into trouble

and it’ll affect my exams or something

ok

BUT YEAH I GOT A CAR HEHEHEHE

life can be scary sometimes, and it’s hard to find the right person to talk to, especially during this time of the year when no one even has the time to hear you out

stressful times u.u

Exams are scarily near and I’ve reached the panic stage where I genuinely think that nothing is staying in my brain and there is a great chance that I’m going to fail at everything.

When I say ‘fail’, I mean get a crap grade - I am confident in getting a grade, but maybe not an ideal grade. (I want to get B’s and above). 

Bubzbeauty (a make up guru on youtube and an inspiration to many females around the world) recently uploaded a video talking about future life and making important decisions. I think she got me right where it hurts - I felt like everything she says in the video was exactly what I’ve been secretly fearing the most. I’ve come to realise that becoming a psychologist was just the better option for me, to make me more ‘employable’, it’s not what I really wanted to do. My passion has always been about music and performance but I’ve always told myself that becoming a celebrity isn’t a realistic occupation, therefore I decided to go into Psychology because I thought it was fun when I first started the subject last year. Now I have a month to go before my final exam, this exam determines my future and whether I get into university or not. I am really looking forward to going to university, but I don’t think I’m going for the right reasons…. Does this even make sense?

I don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that time is running out - and they’re right - and I’m seriously panicking because nothing (psychology wise) seems to be working for me. There’s so much to learn, to understand, and I feel like my brain is about to explode. and this is only psychology, I’ve still got to add Media Studies and Business on top of it too. 

So yeah. I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s too late to ”follow my dreams” and back out of university because I basically have a month until the summer holidays then I go straight into uni afterwards. hufdhfddjdfufskjdosodjifjf I don’t knooooow.

How would you feel when you realise that someone you value one heck of a lot, doesn’t trust you enough to talk to you when something has happened?

hurt. that’s what.

Day unknown: i’m back!

So… this project didn’t really work out in the end LOL

I’m sorry ): but I think I’ll still use this blog to convey my thoughts and stuff every now and then. 

2 weeks ago we had another mega skype gathering in Birmingham, it was an awesome night with both good and bad memories :)

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Hm. There are a couple of things that has been bothering me lately, and I think I’ll rant it out here

So I have my aunt and my nana on facebook right, and everyone knows that facebook is a place to share photos and stuff, well my aunt saw the photos I uploaded from the Birmingham event, and then she went and GRASSED UP on me to my nan and mum. but the thing is, I didn’t even do anything outrageous. They were just normal pics of me and my friends (the skype fam) in dresses and make up and a few drunk pics here and there. Seriously, why would I put bad things on my own facebook when I am AWARE that my family can see them? And who are you to tell my mum to ‘watch over your daughter better’ ?! my MUM trusts me, so who the fck do you think you are to say my actions are shameful? Plus, I only ever see this aunt like once or twice a year, she doesn’t even KNOW me, yet she judges me by a few pics of ONE NIGHT OUT. And that was only my second time proper clubbing in england. maaaan she annoyed me

Second thing, I can tell my dad is getting old, and I don’t like it. He’s been having constant migraines and his wrists hurt. I think the wrists is because he’s been lifting heavy things (such as the wok from cooking for customers) for so many years. Around 20 years. and now his body is starting to get tired from it. Watching him wince in pain breaks my heart, but I don’t know how to help him. This is why I never really ask my dad to cook for me anymore, because he has to do all the hard work 8 hours a day already, I don’t want to give him any more pain. You know, I feel bad because he’s the only man in the family, so he has to take responsibility for everything - and I hate that, I feel useless because I can’t even fix the door when it gets squeaky. When dad goes on holiday for 2 weeks, mum and I struggle to look after the house, and I realise how much work dad does. and I feel so bad about it. But it’s okay, in about 6-7 years time I will be able to repay him for everything, and look after him, and take responsibility.  

Day unknown: i’m back!

So… this project didn’t really work out in the end LOL

I’m sorry ): but I think I’ll still use this blog to convey my thoughts and stuff every now and then. 

2 weeks ago we had another mega skype gathering in Birmingham, it was an awesome night with both good and bad memories :)

—————————————————————————

Hm. There are a couple of things that has been bothering me lately, and I think I’ll rant it out here

So I have my aunt and my nana on facebook right, and everyone knows that facebook is a place to share photos and stuff, well my aunt saw the photos I uploaded from the Birmingham event, and then she went and GRASSED UP on me to my nan and mum. but the thing is, I didn’t even do anything outrageous. They were just normal pics of me and my friends (the skype fam) in dresses and make up and a few drunk pics here and there. Seriously, why would I put bad things on my own facebook when I am AWARE that my family can see them? And who are you to tell my mum to ‘watch over your daughter better’ ?! my MUM trusts me, so who the fck do you think you are to say my actions are shameful? Plus, I only ever see this aunt like once or twice a year, she doesn’t even KNOW me, yet she judges me by a few pics of ONE NIGHT OUT. And that was only my second time proper clubbing in england. maaaan she annoyed me

Second thing, I can tell my dad is getting old, and I don’t like it. He’s been having constant migraines and his wrists hurt. I think the wrists is because he’s been lifting heavy things (such as the wok from cooking for customers) for so many years. Around 20 years. and now his body is starting to get tired from it. Watching him wince in pain breaks my heart, but I don’t know how to help him. This is why I never really ask my dad to cook for me anymore, because he has to do all the hard work 8 hours a day already, I don’t want to give him any more pain. You know, I feel bad because he’s the only man in the family, so he has to take responsibility for everything - and I hate that, I feel useless because I can’t even fix the door when it gets squeaky. When dad goes on holiday for 2 weeks, mum and I struggle to look after the house, and I realise how much work dad does. and I feel so bad about it. But it’s okay, in about 6-7 years time I will be able to repay him for everything, and look after him, and take responsibility.  

Day 81: part 2

Went out with my mum today;

Day 81: another rant

Why does God (if there is any) let people who do not have the potential to become a mother, get pregnant? This girl at my school is 4 months into her pregnancy and she thinks it’s the coolest thing ever. She thinks it’s an ACCESSORY. 

I see her smoking outside of the school gates all the time, and she posts statuses like “bought lots of stuff for my little princess, unborn yet already spoilt” …ugh please. 

I feel sorry for your child, having a mother who is still behaves like a kid herself. People like them don’t deserve something as precious as a baby at this stage of their lives. Bringing up a child isn’t just about feeding them, and holding them, and playing peekaboo with them when you feel like it. You have to have the energy, patience, and focus to be there for them 24/7. Get up at 4am to stop them from crying. Dealing with their dirty nappies. Being careful not to drown them when you balance their little fragile head on your arm as you bathe them. 

I’ve only had experience in babysitting my cousins (aged 4months, 3years, 12years and 14years) and my god I am knackered after dealing with them for one evening. I seriously cannot imagine an immature, alcoholic, smoking, slutty teenager like the girl on facebook becoming a responsible mother. 

And shoving all your responsibilities to your mum doesn’t count.

uggggggh

Day 80

Today I just want to have a little rant about something. I was on facebook earlier and someone posted this:

“lets face it all girls are as bad as each other, if one has their tits out the other goes out with both arse cheeks hanging out. all girls are attention seekers fact. Fuck off”

Words cannot describe how annoyed I am from reading this status. People are so hypocritical and contradicting. If people are to moan about something like that, then what’s the point in the phrase “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” existing? Can girls not have the right to show off something they are proud of? Maybe they recently lost weight and are proud of themselves, hence wanting to show off their new look?

The idiot who wrote that status is also strongly hypocritical. If you hate girls who are like that, then why do typical boys like you only ever hang around/be friends with/talk to/go out with them type of girls? If you think they are annoying, then how come there is not one single female friend of yours that are the opposite to the type you just slagged off?

Thirdly, this is gonna sound so vain of me, but saying that it’s FACT that all girls have their tits and arse hanging out and are attention seekers, is wrong, because I am not like that. So what category do you put me in? 

Lets face it, most boys will only take interest in girls who have skin showing, in tight clothes, and look attractive. If a normal girl like me who wears long jeans, normal fitted t-shirts and cardigans walk by, you wouldn’t take a second look at me. Not saying that I’m desperate to get attention, i’m just talking generally. 

So how about you shut the fuck up and be slightly more considerate than you are able to be. Which isn’t a lot.